Original novella: The glorious body of prester's jonh kingdom

Discussion in 'Verbal Art' started by JonhOliver, 26 January 2019.

  1. JonhOliver

    JonhOliver Member

    This is a novella that i've written in my free time, and i'd really appreciate it if any of you read it, as the criticism would be useful in order to improve my writing. The story is fantasy\adventure and is mainly influence by writers like lovecraft, Allen Edgar Poe and Arthur Machen. It has religious and spiritual themes interwoven into it, with me trying to write in a more lyrical style with lot's of metaphors and allegories, which i'd like to hear your opinion on.

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  2. Werifesterian

    Werifesterian Senior Member

    I will try to look this over soon.
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  3. After reading the first page:
    Remove the first paragraph perhaps. It does provide motivation for the character, but it is not too subtle, is out of place (rather weave its elements into the story as revelations about the character when needed), and it has the force of a rant being said for the author's sake rather than the character's.
    The story benefits from ignoring the first paragraph altogether and pretending it begins on the second -- it could just as easily.
    Compared to the first paragraph, the second to last paragraph is much more elegantly expressed and relates all that we need to know for the time being about the character's disposition and motivations for the expedition.
    Thank you for the read.
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