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The ethereal painter-an original short story

Discussion in 'Verbal Art' started by JonhOliver, 3 September 2018.

  1. JonhOliver

    JonhOliver Member

    This is my first attempt at writing, so i would really appreciate it if some of you read it and offered me some criticisms. Be harsh, as i want to be able to improve and know what i'm doing wrong.
    The ending of the story might be a bit silly, but i think that overall it's interesting. My main influences and favorite writers, have been people like Edgar Ellan Poe, H.P Lovecraft and Arthur Machen, so you can see i really like the Gothic fantasy/horror style.

    English version:

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bI9sLIHcNqx1fO4sGRPcE079ee0s0Zdq/view?ths=true

    Portuguese version:

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/1iDHL5hV-MsiWPUU0NY4O8I2OAr5Vk5Tl/view?ths=true
     
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  2. Arboreality

    Arboreality Member

    Most of my criticisms are relatively small, some typos here and there, some awkward words used in some places that interrupt the flow or don't make sense. You can fix those fairly easily, but overall I liked the story. It strikes me as somewhat of a rough draft at this point, but it's very good for a first attempt. There's something great here waiting to be revealed, but it always takes rewrite after rewrite to really bring it out. Patience and discipline are key here.

    My biggest criticisms aside from what I've said so far is that the characters seem a bit bland, they feel a bit more like puppets than characters. That's to be expected since this is a short story, and perhaps you prefer it that way because it makes them more vehicles for the message you're trying to send. I'm especially interested in seeing who Johan could become. There's many ways you could make his mannerisms and dialogue more distinct and reflect his alienation with the Modern World.

    My Portuguese isn't good enough to properly judge the other one. You definitely have potential to be a very good writer, I recommend you keep reading, writing, and especially re-writing as much as possible, practice daily if you can.
     
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  3. JonhOliver

    JonhOliver Member

    Thanks, the reason why some of the phrases might seem weird in the English version, is that i translated it using google. I know that's a bit lazy, but i wanted to focus on writing more, instead of spending time doing translations. Thankfully when it comes to romance languages and English, google translate works fairly well.
    As for the characters, i just wanted Johan to be a fairly normal person, a bit melancholic and bored with life, but with a latent potentiality for understanding higher things, and a deep craving for it. The old man and the library clerk, were supposed to come off as mysterious and aloof, but still being able to capture Johan' s attention in is current state of passivity and "sleep", in the esoteric sense of the word.
    I'm currently writing a second story, much longer it's already about 15000 words, about arkaim, the myth of forgotten races that lurk underground waiting to return, all in the context of an university expedition with three main characters.
     
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  4. Arboreality

    Arboreality Member

    That sounds very interesting, I look forward to anything you produce in the future.
     
  5. JonhOliver

    JonhOliver Member

    When it comes to writing I've still got a lot to improve, but i am creative and manage to come up with a lot of ideas. I've got a notebook, where i already have written down ideas for more than 20 different stories, with some being the very bare outline of what could become a novel.
     
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